Monday, 4 April 2016

Amy Watches - Jupiter Ascending (Minor Spoilers)


To be honest I am kinda nervous to watch this film because I've seen some reviews and the general consensus seems to be you either think it weirdly works or you hate it, there is no in between. So without further ado I am gonna go watch this thing and write down some thoughts I have whilst watching below. I'll see you on the other side! (Ten points to you if you just stated singing Adele)

- Omg Jarvis 
- Jarvis noooo
- Aww the movie's trying so hard
- What if I end up liking this movie?
- Omg Eddie Redmayne u need a soother?
- Riley and sun are in this, yay for Sense8 characters!
- So are all punk goths just aliens?
- And here come the bad shot baddies
- I really cannot take Eddie Redmayne seriously rn
- These people care far too much about telescopes
- I love how everyone is still heterosexual even though they are from space
- How do all these aliens speak English?
- She would totes have a broken arm rn
- Oh Eddie has mad mummy issues
- I think that lizard thing needs to cough or something
- Urm putting a sanitary pad sticky side first won't mop up any blood dude
- It passed the bechdel test! 
- Ooo she coughed, coughing in a movie means u ded
- Man pain moment
- PARKOUR
- She is looking great for 14000
- I cannot believe Sean bean is called stinger - Sean BEE-n
- You just learned that you basically can go anywhere in the entire universe and all u care about is finding a dog Man?
- So aliens all look like humans but with weird fashion sense?
- Bob just had weird sexual tension with himself
- Gurl it's been like a day? You legit can't be in love?
- Why does it feel like this guy is flirting with his mum???
- I don't trust anyone in this film
- WHAT IS GOING ON SHE IS YOUR MOTHER???????
- So weddings in space are exactly like earth weddings?
- She's the queen of the universe but her storyline is just her getting married?
- IS SHE LEGIT UPSET BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
- Your mother should have taught you how to speak properly dude
- She really is not very smart
- WHY IS SHE CONSTANTLY IN PERIL?
- OMG STOP KISSING AND SAVE THE EARTH MAYBE?
- Ok there are no worries I didn't like this film! 
- The End!

Wow. Well, this movie was insane! (and not in a good way!) There was so much going on that I'm still not sure what to even focus on. To be honest at the start I actually quite liked the plot, it was looking pretty good to me, but then the middle happened and somehow it ended up as a rather confusing mess that I hated and couldn't wait to turn off. The only good thing I have about this film is the fact that because Sean Bean's character is pretty much a bee, we can now all call him Sean Bee-n. You're welcome! (also side note - does anyone else pronounce it Seen Been and now cannot say it properly?)

So the main character, Jupiter Jones, was...awful. She started promising then went straight down the toilet she'd been cleaning for about half the movie. She basically got in trouble every five seconds and had to be rescued by Dog Channing Tatum (who's character is equally as trope-y and annoying). Actually if you want a plot summary that was pretty damn accurate! I don't know how one person can make such bad decisions but in a world where she found out she owned the Earth she ended up almost marrying her evil kind-of-son, narrowly escaping death about 20 times and then returning to her life of scrubbing toilets with Dog Tatum. Not sure about anyone else but if I found out I was Queen of Earth I'd at least go on a holiday!

Apart from some really bad characters the plot kinda made no sense. They made it clear that Jupiter was technically just a repeat of the same cells that made up Seraphi Abrasax not the same person so surely, she should have no claim to earth or anything Seraphi owned. Either that or these future-y-earth-y people are really, really dumb. Your gonna trust the Queen position of the most powerful family in the galaxy to some random person that just happens to look like the previous ruler? Ok, I mean that sounds fake, but ok...

Also I want to comment on Eddie Reymaynes character but I legit have no words. You just have to see it so go here and experience it for yourselves!

Amy Rating - 2/10 What even was that dude?

What did you think of Jupiter Ascending? Thanks for reading!

Amy x

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